Finding Sanity among chaos

It's been days since I am feeling this way. There are days when my mind is crowded with lot of emotions and there are days, I am just empty from within. There are days I miss everyone close to me and some days I feel completely alone. I tend to map my thoughts to its origin, but I fail each time. I don't give up though.

I am awfully happy some days, and some days I am bitterly sad for no reason. Everything around me is in the same state but it contributes to my outlook each time. So, what do I learn from it or do I learn from it?

Nature has a way to complement one’s mood. Sometimes when I have this numbness, being in nature cheers me up. Does that mean the next time when I am feeling low, I will go out to calm myself? Well, no not always. Some days I just want to isolate myself from the world and push myself into sleep, a never-ending sleep. This state too does not last for a long time.

I feel chaos inside me from days, is it a phase? Will it pass like every other phase? Well, I have no answer to that. But I would like one. I have tried hard to look for answers, but I don’t know where to begin. I speak to everyone and yet I speak to no one. I am wearing this mask which keeps my feelings at bay when I meet people.

I am cheerful, smiling and talking to everyone but somewhere within I know I am closing many doors which used to be open. I am not doing this consciously but it’s happening. Mockery of the situation astounds me, since I am the same person who is exhibiting completely ironic behavior each time. It confuses me, nonetheless this journey to the unknown keeps going each day whether I like it or not.

I like to think that I am an optimist. Any situation presents itself, I am the person who looks at the silver lining. However often, I have seen myself questioning each situation rather than finding bright side, I have become a pessimistic optimist. Is that even possible?

I want to scream, cry and laugh all at once. I am unsure if it will help, but I want to try. I wonder often thinking if I am depressed, but I am not. I am in a state which has vacuum and air, happiness and distress, contentment and hollowness all at once. Is that even possible one may say, but yeah, it’s happening, I am experiencing it by each passing moment.

I suspect, this may go on for a while, until I figure it out like every other thing, or like every other situation which resolves itself and shows me light at the end of the tunnel. One can only hope.