It's been days since I am feeling this way. There are days
when my mind is crowded with lot of emotions and there are days, I am just
empty from within. There are days I miss everyone close to me and some days I
feel completely alone. I tend to map my thoughts to its origin, but I fail each
time. I don't give up though.
I am awfully happy some days, and some days I am bitterly
sad for no reason. Everything around me is in the same state but it contributes
to my outlook each time. So, what do I learn from it or do I learn from it?
Nature has a way to complement one’s mood. Sometimes when I have
this numbness, being in nature cheers me up. Does that mean the next time when
I am feeling low, I will go out to calm myself? Well, no not always. Some days
I just want to isolate myself from the world and push myself into sleep, a
never-ending sleep. This state too does not last for a long time.
I feel chaos inside me from days, is it a phase? Will it
pass like every other phase? Well, I have no answer to that. But I would like
one. I have tried hard to look for answers, but I don’t know where to begin. I
speak to everyone and yet I speak to no one. I am wearing this mask which keeps
my feelings at bay when I meet people.
I am cheerful, smiling and talking to everyone but somewhere
within I know I am closing many doors which used to be open. I am not doing
this consciously but it’s happening. Mockery of the situation astounds me, since
I am the same person who is exhibiting completely ironic behavior each time. It
confuses me, nonetheless this journey to the unknown keeps going each day
whether I like it or not.
I like to think that I am an optimist. Any situation
presents itself, I am the person who looks at the silver lining. However often,
I have seen myself questioning each situation rather than finding bright side,
I have become a pessimistic optimist. Is that even possible?
I want to scream, cry and laugh all at once. I am unsure if it
will help, but I want to try. I wonder often thinking if I am depressed, but I
am not. I am in a state which has vacuum and air, happiness and distress, contentment
and hollowness all at once. Is that even possible one may say, but yeah, it’s
happening, I am experiencing it by each passing moment.
I suspect, this may go on for a while, until I figure it out
like every other thing, or like every other situation which resolves itself and
shows me light at the end of the tunnel. One can only hope.
